My First Love

I came to DC for college in 1999. Before moving up here, God had begun to work in my heart, and I spent a lot of time worshiping him through music and reading my Bible. My mind was constantly on God and the changes he was accomplishing in my heart and life. This period of my life lasted about 4-5 years. During that time, I was able to absorb scripture quickly and easily, and my life seemed one endless string of divine appointments, admonitions from spiritual mentors, and character-trying heartbreaks.

This emotionally intense period eventually transitioned into one of doubt and uncertainty. A few major events happened that shook the confidence I had previously had. I now questioned just how much about God and life I could predict based on reading the Bible. I concluded that while God is definitely good, I can never know what course of events in life will be for my ultimate benefit. Thus, life and God are mysterious, and the best one can do is to live out the principles that Christ taught without getting overly confident.

My skepticism bled into my reading of the Word. I began to read the Bible as an historical document rather than an inspired text. (“Paul was writing to the Thessalonians, and they had their own unique set of problems, and while we can draw parallels, it’s wrong to take random scriptures and apply them directly to our lives.”) Predictably, scripture became dry, difficult to memorize, and nearly intolerable. Christian music, too, seemed mostly trite and contrived.

Nevertheless, I was surviving, and I was happy. I ascribed my success to the fact that I had never veered from walking out the principles I had learned in my early Christian experience. Among those: be humble in relationships (still working on this one), make fast friends with people you admire, read a lot, be content with your possessions, prefer others, give generously, endure willingly, serve gladly, honor the love and wisdom of friends, mentors, pastors and parents. And yet, I felt guilty! Learning from those I looked up to, I knew that a steady diet of worship and the word was indispensible. But try as I might, I couldn't seem absorb them for myself.

After hearing Harrison’s message (http://capcitychurch.com/new-ccc/podcast/in-the-zone) a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on my bed, pondering all this and asking God for revelation. I told God through tears, “I want to come back to my first love… to be in ‘the zone,’ but what the heck does that even mean? How do I get there?” God responded, “Where do you think you’ve been all these years?”

All at once, it hit me. My failing had not been my lackluster attention to outward devotions, but a failure to recognize God’s grace on my life. A blessed life, both now and in those early days, has never been a result of my performance. Rather, it is always unearned favor, owning solely to God’s goodness.

My error had been not recognizing the source. Pride prevented me from seeing that the very wisdom I accredited for a happy life was itself granted by God. “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” When we comprehend this truth, we have no response open to us but humble gratitude. This heart of thanks leads us to seek him with a pure heart. This is the only sustaining motivation for service and worship. This initial epiphany of thankfulness is what leads to salvation. And every time it recurs, we come back to our first love.