Musician Jokes

An old band director emailed these to me, and I thought some were funny/appropriate enough to share. :) They're kind of heavy on saxaphonist jokes. That's because my teacher is a trombonist.

Saint Peter is checking ID’s. He asks a man, “What did you do on earth”?
The man says, "I was a doctor.”
Saint Peter says, “Step right through these pearly gates. Next! What did you do on earth?”
“I was a school teacher.”
“Step right through these pearly gates. Next! What did you do on earth?”
“I was a musician.”
“Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen…”
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A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player had missed several rehearsals except for one very faithful oboe player.

Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded, “It’s the least I could do since I won’t be at the performance.”

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A new conductor was at his first rehearsal. It was not going well. He was as wary of the musicians as they were of him.
As he left the rehearsal hall, the timpanist sounded a rude little “bong.”
The angry conductor turned around and said, “All right! Who did that?”
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Q: What is the ideal weight for a saxophonist?
A: About 2 ½ pounds, including the urn.

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Q: What’s the latest crime-wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by sax solos.
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A violist in an orchestra was fuming at the oboist sitting directly behind him.
The conductor asked, “What are you so upset about?”
The violist replied, “The oboist reached over and turned one of the pegs on my viola and now it’ all out of tune!”
The conductor said, “Don’t you think you’re over-reacting?”
The violist replied, “I’m not overreacting. He won’t tell me which one!”

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A percussionist decides he’s had enough of playing the drums – unappreciated, all those silly jokes. So he decides to change instruments.
He goes into a shop and says, “I want to buy a violin.”
The man behind the counter looks at him for a moment and says, “You must be a drummer.”
The percussionist is astonished, and says, Well yes, I am. But how did you know?”
“Because this is a fish-and-chip shop.”
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A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of saxophonists. They called down to ground control with the list of their demands and threatened that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one saxophonist every hour.
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A singer is rehearsing with the big band. At the end of the rehearsal, the director tells everyone to come

back the next day for the final rehearsal.

The next day at rehearsal, they get to the singer's selection.

The director says, "Band, before we start, let's make some changes. First of all, change the introduction to the key of C, then immediately at measure 14, go to B flat. At rehearsal letter C, change immediately to

F sharp, then 2 measures later go to F."

The band members are furiously writing this down to keep up with the directions as the singer just sits there and looks on.

"Next," the director continues, "at the repeat, play it in D flat the first time, then C. As you go to the second ending, go down to B flat. Don't take the D.S., but instead, right there, skip to the coda, and play the rest of it in D minor."

As the band is writing, the singer says, "Sir, you've given the band all these directions. Is there anything you want me to change?"

The director says, "No, it'll be great if you just sing it the way you did yesterday."